The Power of Supportive Communication in Buiclding Positive Relationships

QUESTION

Building Positive Interpersonal Relationships A great deal of research supports the idea that positive interpersonal relationships are a key to creating positive energy in people’s lives (Baker, 2000; Dutton, 2003). When people experience positive interactions—even if they are just temporary encounters—they are elevated, revitalized, and enlivened. Positive relationships create positive energy. All of us have known people who give us energy—they are pleasant to be around, they lift us, and they help us flourish. We also have encountered people who have the reverse effect—we feel depleted, less alive, and emotionally exhausted when we interact with them. Such encounters are personally de-energizing. The effects of positive relationships are much stronger and more long-lasting than just making people feel happy or uplifted, however. When individuals are able to build relationships that are positive and that create energy, important physiological, emotional, intellectual, and social consequences result. For example, people’s physical well-being is significantly affected by their interpersonal relationships. Individuals in positive relationships recover from surgery twice as fast as those in conflicting or negative relationships. They have fewer incidences of cancer and fewer heart attacks, and they recover faster if they experience them. They contract fewer minor illnesses such as colds, flu, or headaches; they cope better with stress; and they actually have fewer accidents (e.g., being in the wrong place at the wrong time). As might be expected, they also have a longer life expectancy. These benefits occur because positive relationships actually strengthen the immune system, the cardiovascular system, and the hormonal system (Dutton, 2003; Heaphy & Dutton, 2008; Reis & Gable, 2003). Positive relationships also help people perform better in tasks and at work, and learn more effectively. That is, positive relationships help people feel safe and secure, so individuals are more able to concentrate on the tasks at hand (Carmeli, Brueller, & Dutton, 2009). They are less distracted by feelings of anxiety, frustration, or uncertainty that accompany almost all relationships that are nonpositive. People are more inclined to seek information and resources from people who are positively energizing, and they are less likely to obtain what they need to succeed if it means interacting with energy-depleting people. The amount of information exchange, participation, and commitment with other people is significantly higher when relationships are positive, so productivity and success at work are also markedly higher (see Dutton, 2003; Dutton & Ragins, 2007, for a review of studies). Positive emotions—such as joy, excitement, and interest—are a product of positive relationships, and these emotions actually expand people’s mental capacities. Feelings of joy and excitement, for example, create a desire to act, to learn, and to contribute to others. Moreover, the amount of information people pay attention to, the breadth of data they can process, and the quality of the decisions and judgments they make are all enhanced in conditions in which positive relationships are present. People’s intellectual capacities are actually broadened (mental acuity expands), they learn more and more efficiently, and they make fewer mental errors when experiencing positive relationships (Fredrickson, 2001, 2009). Not surprisingly, the presence of positive relationships among employees enhances the performance of organizations. Positive relationships foster cooperation among people, so the things that get in the way of highly successful performance—such as conflict, disagreements, confusion and ambiguity, unproductive competition, anger, or personal offense—are minimized (Cameron, et al., 2011). Employees are more loyal and committed to their work and to the organization when positive relationships exist, and information exchange, dialogue, and knowledge transfer are significantly enhanced. Creativity and innovation, as well as the ability of the system to adapt to change, are substantially higher when positive relationships characterize the workforce (Gittell, 2003; Gittell, Cameron, & Lim, 2006). High-Quality Connections Positive relationships usually imply a lasting or ongoing connection with other people. Our colleague, Jane Dutton, has identified the attributes of high-quality connections (Dutton, 2003, 2014). The word connection refers to a temporary interaction with another person. This differs from a relationship in that the encounter is momentary, lasting only a very brief period of time, and without any expectation that the interaction will last. Examples of high-quality connections include pleasant interactions with a cashier in a store, a flight attendant, the receptionist in the dentist’s office, or a stranger at a social event. Dutton’s research demonstrates that high-quality connections are characterized by three attributes: a sense of vitality and energy for both individuals; a sense of responsiveness and cooperation in the interaction; and enhanced physiological changes affecting, for example, heart rhythms, blood pressure, and energy (Dutton & Heaphy, 2003; Heaphy & Dutton, 2008). That is, the positive effects of these short-term, momentary interactions mirror those of longer-term relationships. High-quality connections also help broaden thinking, heighten the ability to learn, build resilience, improve self-image, enhance coordination, strengthen attachment, increase adaptability, and reduce frustration and irritation. Four attributes characterize high-quality connections and can help each of us be more effective in these momentary, temporary encounters (Dutton, 2014). Figure 4.1 summarizes these four attributes. Figure 4.1Attributes of High-Quality Connections Figure 4.1 Full Alternative Text RESPECTFUL ENGAGEMENT. Respectful engagement means sending a message to another person to let him or her know that he or she is valued and respected. This can be done by simply making eye contact, using a pleasant tone of voice, and giving complete attention to the conversation. By offering verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment that you are listening, and by conveying interest in what the other person is saying, you send a message that the interaction is worth your time and attention. The way you communicate is a key part of respectful engagement. TASK ENABLING. Task enabling refers to helping another person solve a problem, achieve a goal, or move forward. This is not always needed if the interaction is limited merely to a temporary social connection. However, everyone can be uplifted and experience thriving as a result of an interaction. Sometimes this means merely communicating helpful information, providing emotional support, or just being open to the other person’s concerns. Again, the way you communicate is a key part of task enabling. TRUSTING. Conveying trust in another person means sending a message that you believe he or she is being open and honest in the interaction. The interaction is authentic and sincere. Trust is communicated when you ascribe good intentions to the other person and, as a result, you are willing to be open and honest in your own communication. As with the other attributes of high-quality connections, the way you communicate is a key part of conveying trust. PLAY. Playfulness in an interaction can be communicated with humor, smiling, exuding positive energy, and being vulnerable. It involves engaging in spontaneous interchange. Being playful helps the connection feel relaxed and fun. Again, the way you communicate is a key part of fostering playfulness. The Key It is hard to find a reason why people would not want to build high-quality connections and enhance positive relationships. Many advantages and very few liabilities are associated with positive relationships. Creating such relationships sounds simple, of course, because we all engage frequently in momentary connections and enjoy ongoing relationships on a regular basis. However, it is sometimes easier said than done. It is not difficult to build positive relationships with people who are like us, to whom we are attracted, or who behave according to our expectations. But when we encounter people who are abrasive, who are not easy to like, or who make a lot of errors or blunders, it becomes more difficult to build relationships and create high-quality connections. In other words, building positive relationships in negative circumstances or with negative people requires special skill. Arguably the most important skill in building and strengthening positive relationships, and the most important attribute in fostering high-quality connections, is the ability to communicate with people in a way that enhances feelings of trust, openness, respect, and support. In this chapter we focus on helping you develop and improve this skill. Of course, all of us communicate constantly, and most of us feel that we do a reasonably good job of it. We haven’t gotten this far in life without being able to communicate effectively. On the other hand, in study after study, communication problems are identified as the single biggest impediment to positive relationships and positive connections (Carrell & Willmington, 1996; DaVito, 2015). We focus in this chapter on the most important skill that effective managers must possess: the ability to communicate supportively. The Importance of Effective Communication In an age of electronic communication, the most frequently used means of passing messages to other people is electronic technology. Messages containing 280 or fewer characters dominate interpersonal interactions. Yet surveys have consistently shown that the ability to effectively communicate face to face is the characteristic judged by managers to be most critical in determining promotability (see surveys reported by Brownell, 1986, 1990; Furnham, 2008; Goleman, 1998; Hargie, 1997; Steil, Barker, & Watson, 1983). In fact, the increasing reliance on electronic forms of communication (e.g., texting, Twitter) has been found to diminish competency in interpersonal communication (Nie, 2001). Not surprisingly, the quality of communication between managers and their employees is also fairly low (Madlock, 2008; Yrle, Hartman, & Galle, 2002), yet it is face-to-face, one-on-one communication that dominates all the other types in predicting managerial success. In study after study across all types of organizations and sectors, of all managerial skills, interpersonal communication skills, including listening, were rated as the most important (DeVito, 2015). At least 80 percent of a manager’s waking hours are spent in verbal communication, so it is not surprising that serious attention has been given to a plethora of procedures to improve interpersonal communication. Scholars have written extensively on communicology, semantics, rhetoric, linguistics, cybernetics, syntactics, pragmatics, proxemics, and canalization; and thousands of books have been produced on the physics of the communication process—encoding, decoding, transmission, media, perception, reception, and noise. Similarly, volumes are available on effective public-speaking techniques, making formal presentations, and the processes of organizational communication. Most colleges and universities have academic departments dedicated to the field of speech communication; most business schools provide a business communication curriculum; and many organizations have public communication departments and intraorganizational communication specialists such as newsletter editors and speechwriters. All of this attention is understandable, as illustrated by our own study of major manufacturing organizations undergoing large-scale changes. In the study, we asked two key questions: (1) What is your major problem in trying to get organizational changes implemented? and (2) What is the key factor that explains your past success in effectively managing organizational change? To both questions, a large majority of managers gave the same answer: communication. Communication Problems Even with all this available information about the communication process and the dedicated resources in many organizations for fostering better communication, most managers still indicate that poor communication is their biggest problem (McNaughtan, 2012; Schnake, et al., 1990). One reason is that most people feel they are effective communicators themselves. They tend to think that communication problems are a product of others’ weaknesses, not their own (Carrell & Willmington, 1996; Cupach & Spitzberg, 2007; DeVito, 2015). Instead of fostering high-quality connections or positive long-term relationships, communication problems are often the major culprit in inhibiting flourishing relationships. People still become offended at one another, make insulting statements, and communicate clumsily. Individuals still communicate in abrasive, insensitive, and unproductive ways. Rather than building and enhancing positive relationships, they damage relationships. More often than not, it is the interpersonal aspect of communication that stands in the way of effective message (Cupach & Spitzberg, 2007; Golen, 1990). Ineffective communication may lead individuals to dislike each other, be offended by each other, lose confidence in each other, refuse to listen to each other, and disagree with each other, as well as cause a host of other interpersonal problems. These interpersonal problems, in turn, generally lead to restricted communication flow, inaccurate messages, and misinterpretations of meanings and motives. To illustrate, consider the following situation. Latisha is introducing a new goal-setting program to the organization as a way to overcome some productivity problems. After Latisha’s carefully prepared presentation in the management council meeting, Jose raises his hand. “In my opinion, this is a naive approach to solving our productivity issues. The considerations are much more complex than Latisha seems to realize. I don’t think we should waste our time by pursuing this plan any further.” Jose’s opinion may be justified, but the manner in which he delivers the message will probably eliminate any hope of its being dealt with objectively. Instead, Latisha will probably hear a message such as, “You’re naive,” “You’re stupid,” or “You’re incompetent.” Therefore, we wouldn’t be surprised if Latisha’s response is defensive or even hostile. Any good feelings between the two have probably been jeopardized, and their communication will probably be reduced to self-image protection. The merits of the proposal will be smothered by personal defensiveness. Future communication between the two will probably be minimal and superficial. What Is Supportive Communication? In this chapter, we focus on a kind of interpersonal communication that helps you build and strengthen interpersonal relationships, especially in difficult circumstances. It is not hard to communicate supportively—to express confidence and trust in others and to convey compliments—when things are going well and when people are doing what you like. But when you have to correct someone else’s behavior, when you have to deliver negative feedback, or when you have to point out shortcomings of another person, communicating in a way that builds and strengthens the relationship is more difficult. This type of communication is called supportive communication. Supportive communication seeks to preserve or enhance a positive relationship between you and another person while still addressing a problem, giving adverse feedback, or tackling a difficult issue. It allows you to communicate information to others that is not complimentary, or to resolve an uncomfortable issue with another person but, in the process, strengthen your relationship. One major benefit of supportive communication is that it builds or strengthens a relationship in the presence of uncomfortable, negative, or offensive circumstances. It is also useful, however, even when problem-solving is not the focus of the interaction. Supportive communication has eight attributes, which are summarized in Table 4.1. Later in the chapter, we expand on each attribute. When supportive communication is used, the relationship between the two communicating parties is strengthened and enhanced by the interchange. Positive feelings and mutual respect result. People feel energized and uplifted, even when the information being communicated is negative. And, even when engaging in temporary connections, feelings of mutuality, respect, and warmth are fostered. Recall your recent attempts to communicate effectively. Discuss one situation during which you were successful and another during which you failed (at least initially). Explain the reasons for both the success and the failure after you have read Chapter 4.

ANSWER

The Power of Supportive Communication in Buiclding Positive Relationships

Effective communication is at the core of any successful relationship, whether personal or professional. It’s the conduit through which we convey our thoughts, feelings, and intentions to others. Positive interpersonal relationships are particularly dependent on the ability to communicate effectively, and the concept of supportive communication plays a pivotal role in this process.

The Success of Supportive Communication

One recent situation where I successfully applied supportive communication skills was during a team meeting at work. The meeting aimed to discuss a project’s progress and identify areas where improvements were necessary. I had noticed that the team was struggling, and I had concerns about some members’ performance.

During the meeting, I chose to adopt a supportive communication approach. Here’s why it worked:

Respectful Engagement: I maintained eye contact with team members, used a pleasant tone of voice, and actively listened to their contributions. I conveyed genuine interest in their perspectives, which signaled that their input was valued.

Task Enabling: Instead of blaming or criticizing team members for their performance issues, I offered suggestions and provided constructive feedback. I focused on helping them understand the challenges and proposed solutions to improve their work.

Trust: I communicated trust by assuming positive intent and being open to their opinions. This fostered an atmosphere of honesty and collaboration, as team members felt comfortable sharing their concerns without fear of retribution.

Playfulness: I injected a bit of playfulness into the meeting by using humor when appropriate. This lightened the mood and made the conversation more relaxed and enjoyable, even though we were discussing serious issues.

The result of this approach was remarkable. Team members responded positively to the supportive communication style. They were more open to feedback and eager to work on improvements. The relationship within the team strengthened as individuals felt respected and valued. The project’s performance began to improve as a result.

The Importance of Supportive Communication

Conversely, in another recent situation, I faced a communication failure when discussing a sensitive issue with a close friend. This situation highlights the importance of supportive communication and the consequences of not utilizing it effectively.

In this instance, my friend had made a significant mistake that affected our shared responsibilities. Instead of applying supportive communication, I reacted with frustration and anger. Here’s why it went wrong:

Lack of Respectful Engagement: I was so focused on expressing my frustration that I failed to actively listen and engage respectfully. My friend felt dismissed and unheard, which escalated the tension.

Absence of Task Enabling: Instead of offering assistance or suggestions for resolving the issue, I pointed out the mistakes and criticized their actions. This only increased their defensiveness and resistance to change.

Trust Erosion: My reaction eroded the trust in our relationship. My friend felt that I doubted their competence, which led to a breakdown in trust. They became less willing to confide in me or seek my support in the future.

Lack of Playfulness: There was no playfulness in this interaction. It was a serious issue, but the absence of a more relaxed and friendly atmosphere hindered effective communication.

In hindsight, I recognized that the failure was mainly due to my inability to employ supportive communication skills. My friend and I had a strong relationship, but the lack of a supportive approach during this difficult conversation strained our bond. I learned that even when discussing challenging topics, utilizing supportive communication can help maintain the relationship’s positive energy.

Conclusion

Supportive communication is a powerful tool in building and maintaining positive relationships, whether in professional or personal settings. It involves respectful engagement, task enabling, trust, and playfulness. When applied effectively, it can turn difficult situations into opportunities for growth and understanding.

Reflecting on these recent situations has reinforced the importance of supportive communication in my interactions with others. It serves as a reminder that communication is not just about conveying information; it’s about fostering positive energy, strengthening relationships, and promoting growth in both individuals and the connections between them. Through supportive communication, we can create an environment where people feel valued, respected, and energized, even when addressing challenging issues.