Please respond to this peer post by providing strengths and areas of improvement based on the quality of the following:          

•  Introduction
• Body w/ transitions
• Conclusion
• Supporting materials – in-text references and APA citations
• Were you persuaded? How was it, or was it not effective?

• Specific Purpose
  • My purpose is to raise awareness of Ohio’s homeless and unemployed Veterans and use them as security in our schools.
• Central Idea
  • We can have the homeless off the streets, employ those who need employment and have safe schools.
• Introduction–
  • Homeless and unemployed veterans have been the topic of many articles and debates, what if we could get them off the streets and employ them while keeping our schools safe?
• Body–
  • Today’s schools are all lacking something and that is security. No matter how hard anyone tries there is always a shooting or something terrible happening to the children when they should be safe. According to Ballotpedia as of the year 2020, there are 3,136 schools in the state of Ohio. This means that these combined schools are in charge of over 1.5 million students. Each of these schools would need some kind of security to make sure nothing happens to our children.
  • In 2022 there were approximately 730 homeless veterans in the state of Ohio (Trau et al., 2022). The Housing Assistance Council states that there are over 600,000 veterans and of them, there are around 25,000 that are unemployed (SUPPORTING VETERANS, n.d.). Looking at the numbers, you see that we have way more veterans that need jobs and places to live than we have schools. Here is how we can fix that; knowing that some of our veterans come back unable to work we can weed out those vets and use the ones that can work 6-8 hour days. Plus schools have more than one entrance, we can post more than one vet at each school.
  • Our schools do what they can by hiring police officers, getting cameras put up, automatic locking doors, but sometimes it is still not enough. If we were to employ the vets, we know that these ladies and gentlemen are already trained and they will do what it takes to make sure our children are safe.
• Conclusion – Even though schools are lacking on security, there is an option and that option helps get men and women off the streets and gives them jobs. That is employing our veterans to protect our schools.

ANSWER

Strengths

Introduction: The introduction effectively captures the reader’s attention by highlighting the issue of homeless and unemployed veterans and their potential role in enhancing school security. It poses a thought-provoking question that sets the tone for the rest of the essay.

Body w/ Transitions: The body of the essay is well-organized and follows a clear structure. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, transitioning smoothly from one point to the next. The use of statistics from credible sources, such as Ballotpedia and the Housing Assistance Council, adds credibility to the argument.

Supporting Materials – In-text References and APA Citations: The writer includes in-text citations and APA-style references to back up their points. This demonstrates the use of external sources to support the claims being made, enhancing the credibility of the argument.

Persuasion and Effectiveness: The argument is persuasive, as it effectively highlights the issue of school security and connects it to the potential solution of employing homeless and unemployed veterans. The statistics provided help to reinforce the urgency of the issue and the feasibility of the proposed solution.

Areas of Improvement

Introduction: While the introduction is attention-grabbing, it could be further enhanced by providing a brief overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This would give readers a clear roadmap of what to expect.

Conclusion: The conclusion is concise and reinforces the main argument. However, it could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the body and restating the potential benefits of employing veterans for school security.

Transitions: Although the essay has effective transitions between paragraphs, some additional transitional phrases could be used within paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas and make the connections between sentences more explicit.

Overall Assessment

The essay presents a strong case for employing homeless and unemployed veterans for school security. The writer effectively uses statistics and references to support their argument, making the essay persuasive and well-researched. The structure and organization of the essay contribute to its clarity. By enhancing the introduction, conclusion, and incorporating more seamless transitions, the essay could become even more compelling and impactful.